New, Content?

Fer sure, dudes. Figgered it's 'bout time to fire up the brain with some recently clipped news headlines for the attention-deficient in all of us:

MAN CONSUMES SELF, DISAPPEARS

WORLD CUP IS OVER. NOW I CAN GET ON WITH MY LIFE - WATCHING TV

CANADA TO TERRORISTS: "COME ON IN! HOPE YOU LIKE CAVIAR AND SATIN SHEETS!"

CONSERVATIVE PLATFORM MUCH LIKE OLD LIBERAL PLATFORM, ONLY LESS FACIAL DEFORMITY

KILLER BEES REACH IDAHO, NO ONE NOTICES 'CEP'N FER JIMMY

IT INDUSTRY STILL A HOUSE OF CARDS, WARNS HOMELESS VAGRANT

BUSH TO REVEAL 9/11 WAS "PRACTICAL JOKE" - MAY ISSUE APOLOGY

MIDDLE EAST A "SHITHOLE", NOTHING LEFT WORTH FIGHTING OVER

SELMA BLAIR AND JEREMY IRONS TO STAR IN "EXORCIST 7 - THE FUCKENING"

PARIS HILTON EXPOSES... AW, WHO GIVES A RAT'S ASS?

JIM BEAM WAS ACTUALLY JOHNNIE WALKER, LIQUOR INDUSTRY IN A TIZZY

Life *Is* Like A Box Of Chocolates...

...Squishy, all run together, missing the best pieces, and not particularly appetizing.

Ever feel like talking, but you have no idea what you're going to say? Me neither.

Why is it that people who claim to be experts are always smug, annoying jerks?

Ever wake up and wonder where in hell you are, and what you've done to deserve this?

Why such a big suit?

Small points to ponder on a dreary afternoon.

Government Probe Reveals CBC Males Neutered

(REUTERS - AP)

A shocking new inquiry by the Federal Conservatives has revealed what many have suspected all along -- that for years, one of the job requirements for on-air employment and feature news writing for the CBC is mandatory castration for male recruits. Since 1969, the first year of the Trudeau government, a resident surgeon has performed the operation upon final approval during the hiring process. The next step, (after a 14 day healing period) has traditionally been a renouncement of independent thought and a pledge of allegiance to the politically correct traditions of the corporation. If there appears to be a retention of a sense of humour or personal commentary, a partial frontal lobotomy is the next step.

"If you've always wondered why interviewers like Peter Gzowski, newsreaders like Peter Mansbridge, or so-called entertainers like Ralph Benmurgui have grated on the thinking person's nerves with their apopleptically neutral viewpoint, and lack of genuine vitriol, this would explain a lot," said the chair of the Committee To Encourage Crackpot Right-Wing Views, Magnus McFayden. "How Don Cherry actually slipped by is still a matter of debate, as well as a long-standing office pool."

The report went on to say that the Machiavellian practice is expected to be phased out by late spring, when all current employees of the CBC are expected to be replaced by physically-challenged vegan Asian lesbians with heavily feminist agendas.

Staunch Catholic To Eat Beef On Friday, Skip Mass, Have Premarital Sex

French-Canadian Catholic and pillar of local Trois Rivieres church Our Lady Of Perpetual Moaning & Carping, Jean-Pierre Bellefleur, issued a press release early Wednesday indicating his plans to indulge in a meat-and-potatoes dinner this Friday with his girlfriend of one month Huguette Lafreniere, while smoking, playing Bingo, watching Les Canadiens on TV and engaging in unprotected intercourse.


"I'm going to make a stand, me, against repressiveness and Old World values; and have me a friggin' good time while I'm at it" crowed Bellefleur. "It's a sociopolitical statement, not just me being a complete ass, you." He said he would also be drinking at least one Molson Export or Laurentide while he makes his "stand", depending on what the corner store has in stock Friday morning.


Neighbours said they were "dismayed and a little frightened" not only by Bellefleur's apparent disdain for the conventions of society, considering the demonstration will take place at game time, 7:30 pm on his front lawn, but also by his cavalier attitude towards pronoun usage. "Sure, she'll be cold, her, but it's worth it. The world, she has to sit up and take notice, it" he said in the statement, him. Tickets are $16.50 and a canned food or orange short-shorts donation to the local Hooter (the 's' has been removed due to Quebec language laws).

"...And That's The Kind Of Day It's Been..."

(Reuters)

Recent Vietnamese immigrant and Guinness World Book record holder for number of dogs walked simultaneously (461), Phuc Yong Dong has agreed to permanently fill the NBC Nightly News anchor chair left vacant this week upon Brian Williams' recent conviction for consuming the remains of his wife, dogs, neighbours' ferret, and lawn furniture in a bizarre, crystal-meth fueled rampage last month. Dong will go by the Americanized moniker of "Jerk" E. Jerkerson, and plans to learn some English before beginning his new job at the end of this week.

When asked why he would agree to go with a complete unknown who isn't even partially fluent in English to replace the formerly affable, now cannibalistic, Williams; NBC Head of Programming Gary "AssFace" Schtroumpf replied "Next question, please" and "Through careful research, I have determined that I like fried chicken - a whole lot" at the press conference held yesterday. The veil of secrecy surrounding the planned introduction of Dong was lifted, if very briefly when it was revealed that he will parachute naked on to the white House roof with a helmet-cam on his inaugural newscast, and attempt to catch Laura Bush off guard.

Godspeed, young man.

Things I Find Amusing.

1) Women who get upset about pictures of scantily clad females in men’s’ calendars and newspapers but will shell out large dollars for women’s magazines that have scantily clad women selling products for women. Nice double standard girls.
2) People who anticipate a stop light turning green for them by edging slowly forward until the light does turn green when they plod ahead like tractor trailers loaded with cinder blocks.
3) Two people arguing about something and not being articulate enough to realize that they are arguing the same viewpoint.
4) Managers whose managerial style consists of yelling.
5) People in small cars who pull as far over to the left as possible before making a right turn. As though they are driving tractor trailers loaded with cinder blocks.
6) Near-sighted dogs
7) Product instructions that include the very basic use of the product i.e. a container of moist towelettes that has the instruction “wash face and hands” on it.
8) Companies that have “Customer Appreciation Days” with an accompanying sale where that company makes slightly less than it’s usual 200% profit. As if to say on every other day customers are not appreciated and treated as a necessary evil.

The Chair Recognizes...

...that in keeping with the sub-header of this here blog-style thang, promising discourse on absurdity in music and entertainment as well as life in general, something has to be done. And it will... just not today.

I present to you instead, a genuine homemade album review, hopefully bereft of mundanity:

Donald Fagen. Morph The Cat. 2006. 9 Songs. Releases officially on March 14th. Obtained copies of all songs in some sort of newfangled binary code composed entirely of 1's (and also, 0's).

Unbelievably futuristic so far, yes, I know, but let me finish: These ones, and to a lesser extent the zeroes, have arranged themselves, or have been arranged by some unknown (possibly magical) source, to reanimate themselves into extremely listenable, addictive jazz chords and harmony placed in unusual, often contrapuntal configurations framed by the story of a gigantic anthropomorphic feline who descends, at first benignly, (later malevolently, mirrored in an evil-sounding reprise of the title track) into New York city.

The cat may represent anything from the terrorist attacks of 9/11 to the Antichrist to Oprah. Some would argue that the last two are essentially the same thing, but I digress... Sort of a metaphor for the accelerating decay, unease, and general sense of dread in 21st century society. The songs together apparently form something you kids may be unfamiliar with, called a "con-cept" loosely based on impending mortality (Fagen recently turned 58), but are left open to the listener's interpretation. They used to call this sort of thing an "al-bum" back in the 70's.

Will not grab the listener upon a cursory playing, but after a few "spins" (also a 70's term) the tunes begin to amalgamate themselves into a kind of musical crystal meth that refuses to leave our anonymous listener's brain alone. In case you didn't know, that's a very good thing.

Enough of that, let's hear from Fagen himself, discussing rap and the practice of sampling, from an interview on Mp3.com published today - nah-kaiy?

***********************************************************************************

Chris: Do you listen to any contemporary music?

Donald: Not that often. I mean, there's a few things I like if someone brings it to my attention, but I only listen to the same 40 jazz records I had in high school pretty much.

Chris: It's funny that you say you sort of have to reintroduce yourself. Your music has remained a constant over the years; it's instantly recognizable.

Donald: Oh, well thanks.

Chris: And I'm curious do you--well it sounds like maybe you've answered this--but do you consciously sort of shut out anything that's going on with contemporary music trends or...?

Donald: It's not really necessary, because I don't think anything has happened for 30 years or so.

Chris: Really.

Donald: Not really. You know there's a new kind of...you know they have different names for like crunk and stuff like that, or there's this kind of music, but you know aside from some fairly subtle things, and like, maybe they use a drum machine instead of drums or something. But that's really kind of the opposite of evolution as far as I can say so. It's really...I don't think there's anything really...I don't see any sort of major thing that's happened since maybe reggae music in the '70s that's really different.

Chris: So you wouldn't consider, say, rap music to be new?

Donald: Well, I mean it's more of a theatrical forum really...or poetry with music type of thing, which certainly isn't new. And the beats are basically funk, or something else, only played by machines, it's really not...it doesn't sound new to me. I mean, what's new about it?

Chris: Well...

Donald: I mean, they use sampling technology to put out a blip of sound, but it's really like an orchestral hit will be sampled and then so...you know and maybe they do...like if they appear very rapidly, that's something maybe an orchestra couldn't do, because it happens faster than an orchestra could play it but...it's not what I would call a really significant change or anything.

Chris: So no real validity to the art of sampling, in your opinion?

Donald: Well it all sounds so canned that it's basically...since they use drum machines and sequences for even the ballads now…people are used to it now, but to me, it also sounds like the kick drum comes in the wrong place, or it sounds wrong. You know like it's...there's really something wrong with the groove. Although, they're getting better at mimicking real grooves. To me there's always something, and the fact that it's unchanging makes it sound, it may be hypnotic, but it has no dynamics, and it has no shape. And what's more, if you want to continue with the technical thing, as far as the other instruments are concerned, if you use synthesizers for all the keyboards and stuff like that, they're always out of tune, technically, and I can hear it. It's like the top end is always a little flat, and the bottom end is always a little sharp, because the keyboards aren't what they call "stretched." Like, when a piano tuner tunes a piano, aside from being tempered, they'll stretch the tops of the harmonics so they aren't flat on the top and sharp on the bottom. So they're...there's no groove and they're out of tune.

Sounds about right to me. So does the album.

A House Is Just A Cover For Your Stuff

Thanks to George Carlin for his firm grasp of the obvious. He's absolutely correct, though - I've never seen two people accumulate so much sh-... stuff, that is, in three years. I've been throwing out and burning a large variety of detritus for the last month now in anticipation of our move in - count 'em - five days. Yippee!

Moving is always a pile of fun at the best of times, try it at -15 C with heavy snow and a stiff wind. Sometimes I feel like just lying down and letting the elements take their course. It's just like going to sleep, they say, only I'm guessing quite a bit colder and with somewhat more snow. I won't, of course, as I've got to do it all again when we buy a house there. *Sigh*.

People I know think I've lost my edge lately, or seem a bit off. Well, I have, and am, dammit! Try this yourself: Leave your chance at being your own boss, sell the house, pack it all up by yourself with a 7-months-pregnant wife and a dog who's constantly underfoot, in the coldest part of the winter, head for a town you're unfamiliar with and are moving in with your wife's parents (as temporarily as possible). Oh, and throw in a job search when you arrive. No wonder I've lost ten pounds and have an eye twitch and an odd pain in my upper back.


All that said, I am looking forward to not being surrounded by boxes for a while, and it'll be but a memory soon enough... Compared to those left out in the cold in N'Awlins by their own government, I really have nothing to complain about.

When it rains, it really rains

Good Morning All! Ready for a fun ride with your host, Captain Weird O' Rama?

So, Monday night I'm heading home from the liquor store when I get stopped by one of Durham regions finest. I wasn't speeding or doing anything out of the ordinary, just the luck of the draw I guess. He came up behind me, ran my plates then pulled me over. Comes up to my window and informs me that my drivers license has been suspended since October 14th 2005 due to an unpaid traffic ticket. They don't send out notices any more, they just wait until they get you doing something wrong. Huh?

He issues me a notice telling me that my license has been suspended, then issues me a ticket for driving with no license. Tells me to leave my car where it is and drives me home. Never had a ride in the back of a squad car before. Kind of sparse back there. However he did put the window down so I could grab the handle and let myself out. Soooooooo, covertly, the missus and I sneak out, grab my car and get it home. That night we sat together and convinced each other that we paid a speeding ticket I got last June. We were CONVINCED it was paid.

Yesterday we drive to the Court House in Whitby, conveniently located less than 10 minutes from the palatial estate, where we have to pay for the original infraction before we can do anything else. It seems that I got a speeding ticket back in '03 on Weston Rd that was never paid. Okay (?!?) I paid that fine (it's good that I freed up room on my Meister Card; I needed it yesterday) $75.00. I pleaded "guilty", with an explanation. I then had to shift down three seats to talk to another clerk about seeing the justice of the peace, hereafter referred to as JOP, as I pleaded guilty with an explanation. I went through a door, sat in another waiting room, then went in to talk to the JOP. After my explanation, he was confused. "Welcome to my world, I said." He smiled.

JOP, thinking out loud, couldn't understand why I got a ticket for driving without a license instead of driving while under suspension. He said it was better for me as the ticket for DWL is about $250.00 while DWUS is worth about 10 times that. JOP then questioned how I was able to renew my plates twice without this fine showing up? JOP then said this was a very confusing issue, reduced the fine from $265 to $100 and advised me to "look into this." I then went back, paid the fine for driving without a license in order to renew my drivers license then went looking for the nearest MTO office. It cost me $150 to reinstate my license. I have to wait 2-3 days before the paperwork goes through (yes, I am driving illegally. the missus says if I'm pulled over again between now and Friday, act stupid. I can do that)

For those of you keeping track, that's $75 + $100 + $150. I am out $325.00 by now.

If this '03 fine was never paid, how was I able to renew my plates for 2 years running, lease a vehicle and then pay that lease off without this raising any issues? ANYTHING vehicle related, including plates, stickers and drivers licenses HAVE to go through the MTO, where they have a list of outstanding fines/offences that need to be dealt with before the transaction. Also, when I first got my Eclipse in November of '03, payments for fines outstanding were included in the purchase price of the car otherwise the deal couldn't have been made. Why wasn't this fine included in this? I know I had several parking tickets and I distinctly remember the outstanding fines paid to be somewhere in the $200 range.

So, I came in this morning driving illegally. I'm going to try and keep under the radar but that's kind of tough with a sports car. Fortunately it's a grey sports car (well, there is grey paint under the filth) and I will get my license back on Friday or Saturday.

Where's the Scotch?

Digressions Of Power

Yep,
Lister, you're right, we're getting out of Dodge. I've never been a Chrysler fan anyhow.

As freaky as all of this life changing merde has been for me, I'm taking the high road and gradually getting my act together. Not gonna wallow in self-pity; instead I'll write my way out of trouble. Most blogs feature endless opinions, this one has only chronology, maybe like a series of public letters shared "entre amis".

Speaking of communication, it was announced recently (Jan. 27) that Western Union has discontinued the stalwart of early-to-mid-1900's communication, the telegram. It was fast and cheap in it's day, but has obviously been supplanted by a variety of more efficient electronic alternatives. I've personally never been on either the sending or receiving end of one, yet the telegram's passing is still noteworthy as a form of communication that served for over 150 years, dwindling from a high of 200 million sent in 1929 - "I've got a feeling those pumpkin futures should peak right around January - stop" to just 20 thousand in 2005 - "Good Lord - stop - Aren't you on broadband yet - stop". Anyhow, it's pure economics and just another sign of progress.

Life is about to change for the better, despite Kurt Vonnegut's insistence (in an article I can't find) that the human race has about five years left on the stopwatch, mainly due to our thirst for oil. I prefer beer, but how many books have I had published? Somewhat fewer than Kurt. I do recall trying to read Slaughterhouse Five during my prolonged adolescence with limited success, unless you consider snoring a victory. I digress, as usual...

Suffice it to say that I'm feeling temporarily better and even a tad optimistic. Anxiety is a cancer that has already nearly killed me once, I won't let it get a hold this time. To quote the eminent domestic philosopher Marge Simpson, "First I was nervous, then anxious, then wary, then apprehensive, then kinda sleepy, then worried, and then concerned." That sums up my natural tendencies in a nutshell. So I've got my work cut out for me, but I have help from my lovely/loving wife, who has been a mountain of support and kicked my ass right out of antipathy many times, usually only when I need it. Being able to treat myself to a Donald Fagen concert shortly after our arrival in a new city softens the blow somewhat. I have fang-section seats. For those who don't know, that's a good thing.

Weirdness Abounds

Apparently there is a wealth of change happening in the neighbourhood lately. The big D and his lovely and pregnant wife are getting outta Dodge. Me and the missus got outta Dodge and Mega-Drummer man is, well, way the hell up north. I moved out of a town that I've lived in for 29 years, leaving behind my elderly parents and familiarity that had grown contemptuous over the past little while. I watched my sleepy little town turn into a big, loud city with all of the traffic and urban chaos that goes with it. It was time for a change. My missus got transferred and *voom*; bye bye hometown!

Some people are comfortable in the city atmosphere. I have another good friend who lives in the middle of the city sprawl, perfectly happy with the lifestyle. You know who you are, Guido Japanese (pronounced Jah-pan-ay-say). Infrequent trips into the city sprawl show me both the benefits and the drawbacks of the city.
Alas, we all can't live in the country and small towns as they would then become cities and then people would have to move out of the small towns because there would be too many people......in......them.

Huh?

Anyway, another small town beckoned. Going to another small town was our way of saying "Change is good, but not too much change." There is enough change that happens over the course of a lifetime that unless you like change, bringing more change on to yourself can be very stressful. Grasping at straws here. The house is bigger, needs very little work and is closer to where she works and where I work. There is enough of a change to make this very fresh, somewhat strange but even stranger, somewhat stimulating. I've written a few new songs and have thought about continuing on with one of the three novels that I've started and left to rot. I'm closer to one of my most favourite people in the whole world, "Speedy-Marie" the sister of greatness. Family is all around, within an hour at least.

Things are different. Things are good.

Game-time Decision

Wow - have things changed since I wrote that last bit of tripe a month or so ago. I've needed to update this thing for some time; to get this stuff off my chest, where it's been weighing quite heavily the last few days. My wife and have made the rather quick and unhappy decision to leave our business opportunity, (ie - quit our jobs), sell our house and move in (temporarily) with my wife's parents in the nation's capital, essentially putting our lives on hold for the time our baby is born, which is somewhere around the first week of May. I've also got to get some kind of work. We're liquid, baby...

This has been very distressing to me for a number of very obvious reasons - I'm not 20 anymore, I don't like change, and I hate asking people for help. It seems like an admission of failure. I have been trying to look at the upshot of the situation, but my mind and body keep letting me down.

On the positive side, it's good for my wife and our unborn baby to be near family. We've been pretty isolated living out here more or less in the country, and though I thought we'd never leave this house, I see now that it is a chance to become more connected to people. I tend to be a hermit by nature, and that's not great when you need to ask for help. Being an island doesn't work very well for me.

I won't bore anyone with details, but as most people know, moving house ranks right up there with divorce and death on the stress-o-meter. All things shall pass, says the Bible and George Harrison, and they're right. In a year, we'll be able to look back on this time and laugh. Whether it's from the living room of a new house or a straight jacket in a padded cell remains to be seen.

I will update soon...

The Eternal Fatalist

New Year, New Deal

It's a gorgeous, sunny, warm-esque January morning here in the bustling Metropolis of Shanty Bay, Ontario... the kind of morning that makes you think about what has gone by, and what is yet to come. Last year held the highest highs and lowest of lows; just like life - personally, professionally and even globally. My default view that the world is a festering stinkhole will have to change somewhat if I am to give my unborn child a fighting chance in this, the new and improved world of the 21st Century Schizoid Man. Zachary is due to arrive at the end of April, and I've got to get my... stuff... together. There - I resisted the temptation to swear. And I know the world is a stinkhole, I'll just have to keep it a secret for about fifteen years.

People can tell me all they want that my life will change when he is born, and I believe it. I'm happy and terrified at the same time. At least I won't be going it alone. My wife is looking forward to having her body back to herself, and not being sick every morning. I realize it's the universal experience of mankind, but it's happening to me and my wife for the first time at our relatively advanced ages. I'll be 94 when he hits high school - can you believe it? Naaah, neither do I.

Our closest friends are moving in two weeks, which will affect us also. It's not Zaire or anything, but neither is it around the corner. To paraphrase Martin Prince as he's told the class is going to tour the box factory, "This may well prove fascinating..."

Hey - you kids like music? Listen to Sufjan Stevens' 2005 album Illinois. Now! I only heard about him recently on many BlogCritics Top Ten of '05 Lists. I had no idea who he was, but there's a bio on Allmusic that explains where he's coming from. I could best describe it as Brian Wilson Meets The Beatles Meets Progressive Low-Fi. Don't let that scare you, it's extremely tuneful and many of the songs seem to be around six to seven minutes long, so he gets to explore some of the melodies on a grander scale than the average three-minute pop song. In a perfect world, this would be playing on the radio, but see above for my worldview. It is the most evocative stuff I've heard in a long time, it covers all the bases - it's fun, sorrowful, playful, rueful, and at times joyous.

I resolve only to do more "stuff" this year - play guitar, hike in the woods, bike, swim, take more photos, and write some freakin' music. Most of those things can be done with a baby in tow, can't they? If not, I'll find a way...

Happy New Year to everyone!

Merry *&^%$#@ Christmas

The Scene: A cosy warm sitting room. All the lights are off in the room and a fire is roaring in the big stone fire place. An old man wrapped in a shawl sits in a rocking chair while a young man sits at his feet. Outside the snow is blowing hard around the window.



Young Man - "Grandad, tell me more about this "company morale" thing you talk so fondly about.

Grandad - "Well, back in my day, when employees did a good job the managers of that same company used to walk around and actually praise them for doing a good job!"

YM - "Wow! These days you're just expected to do more work."

G - "Well, back in my day, a company would be so happy for the hard work you do for them every year that they'd actually share some of the profits from that year!"

YM - "Wow! These days they just tell you to be happy you get a pay-cheque!"

G - "Well, back in my day they'd throw a big Christmas party for all the staff and their spouses as a thank you."

YM - "Wow! These day's they just let you go home early on Christmas Eve if it doesn't interfere with productivity."

G - "Well, back in my day people wanted to show up for work and do the best job they could do because they knew the company appreciated it."

YM - "Wow! Now people show up for work in the morning dreading what the day will bring and how many problems they can fit on their shoulders before they have a complete and total mental breakdown!"

G - "Wow! Shitty being you!"

Apparently Winter is a New Experience for Most

I commute. Every weekday. 180kms a day to and from work. I am one of many that do this. The city I live in is a bedroom community for a much larger city to the south east. There is a major highway that connects the two cities and many, many, MANY people use that highway. The province I live in is renowned the world over (probably not but don't interrupt) for getting much snow during our winter months. It has been this way for eons.

"Between the months of October and April there will be much snow falling like leaves upon the unsuspecting citizenry below" - God, quite some time ago.

So why is it such a shock for most of the vehicular lemmings that there was snow on the ground this morning? And what is in the water supply that makes long-term memory such a rare commodity?

"You know, I have a vague recollection of some moist, wet white substance lying on the ground at some point about 12 months ago. I also recall that driving became less safe as a result." - An Idiot, this morning.

On a good day, in the middle of, lets say, July, my drive into work takes about 50 minutes +/- 5 minutes. Today it was 2-1/2 hours because there were far too much 1) morons 2) pin-heads 3) moronic pin-heads driving their vehicles into ditchs because the moronic pin-head in front of them suddenly jammed the brakes on to avoid the moronic pin-head steering their vehicle into the bumper of the moronic pin-head talking on the cell phone to their aunt in Florida about the mysterious moist, wet white substance that wasn't on the road yesterday and is making the drive less safe.

Time to get my rotary-wing license and fly above them.

Another viewpoint

Since I can't seem to find the time or brainpower to maintain this thing on my own, I've invited my politically conservative brother and my politically inert friend to become members. Well, it was more like I mutinied Kev by lifting his comments from my music blog. It was a little out of place there, but perfect for the 'Obstacle.

I wonder if ol' Big K still feels this way now that the Canadian general election is set for January 23rd. Hey, I think it's a great time of year for an election -- what the hell else have you got to do in Canada in the middle of January? Other than the obvious...

1. Stick tongue on frozen metal flagpole; marvel at your own stupidity.
2. Go carp about the government with your single buddies at Tim Horton's. No married guy is allowed to do this. Or wants to.
3. Go tobogganing and rupture your spleen.
4. Drink copious quantities of beer until you pass out. Marvel at your own stupidity.
5. Watch the Leafs lose another crucial game, then go home to their wives, children and Scrooge McDuck-sized money bins to cry themselves to sleep, using $100's as tissue paper.

As you can see, there are limited options in this country in the dead of winter.

Here's K's post from October:

So parliament has resumed, and Stephen Harper, AKA the devil, has gone to bat for all you sorry Canadians who think he's some redneck Albertan with a hidden agenda. Well, that's what uncle Paul and the Libranos wish for you to believe.

Satan, also known as Stephen Harper to most, has requested that the government actually give Canadians some relief at the gas pumps. He asked when this government is going to end its "100 days of inaction" and actually cut fuel taxes.

As if. . . .

Both the PM and Ralph 'Acceptable Beer' (Goodale) have both predictably pooh-poohed the idea. Goodale said that since "complexities and volatility were at play," any tax break would become invisible, by which he meant taxation issues are better left to the "natural governing party", the Liberals, the approved experts in spending other people's money.

The Liberals. You keep voting them back in because Stephen Harper or Mike Harris or Brian Mulroney are incarnations of the devil. You listen so closely to the liberal media who tell you this, and refuse to think for yourselves. At least, that's the way I see us here in Canada.

It's my belief that even if there are some problems with the Conservatives, the Liberals need to spend some time in the political wilderness to get their act back together. Justin Trudeau said this back in June. They need to be given the boot from parliament rather than have us put them back in AGAIN. Don't even go elsewhere ; the socialists and the far left are a much worse choice than heading over to the right ever so slightly.

Back to the point I was trying to make : Would someone please tell me why Stephen Harper has such a bad reputation with Canadians? Everything I have heard him say makes sense to me, and should make sense to almost every Canadian. Anyone who thinks we cannot afford a tax cut in this country would be well advised to track down the size of the federal surpluses in each of the past ten consecutive years. Funding the military adequately does not necessarily line up with George Bush's neocon aggression seen in Iraq and Afghanistan. But as soon as Stevie H. says he'd spend a few bucks on our dilapidated military, he's automatically in bed with George Bush.

End political rant.

Our Products Are Fine!

It's a sad, sorry state of affairs when this thing doesn't get updated for nearly two months!
Excuse: I've been somewhat busy pretending to be a entrepreneur, but that's another story. My wife is also 15 weeks pregnant with our first child, if that's of any help... ;)

What's new & notable? I've let everyone under the sun know about a new (to me) comic strip called Medium Large, available here: http://www.drinkatwork.com/mediumlarge.html

It's a current affairs / pop-culture take on the world, and I like it... a lot. In fact, I laughed out loud several times while perusing the archive... It's not too abrasive, but very sarcastic in a subtle way, and that makes for good art in my book.

Francesco Marciluiano, if you're out there, thanks for the inspiration to restart a "graphic novel" my brother and I did in the 80's, based very loosely on people we knew at the lake our cottage was on, and our own family.


If Kev gets to see this, maybe I'll have to actually sit down and start drawring (sp.) again. I'm the world's worst (or is it best?) procrastinator.

To the left is the proposed first frame of the revamped story, which revolves around shenanigans in the outboard motor industry; specifically a very highly fictionalized take on the Kiekhaefer family which started Mercury Marine many years ago. Mix heavily with composites of people we knew or were related to and you have the essence of it. It's absolutely ridiculous, and from what I recall, very funny. It worked well, 'cause we did a few panels each, then handed it off to the other. No getting bored or losing focus.

I hope I have more to talk about next time.

Rallying Cry Of Today's Youth: "Show Us Your Tits!"

Fuelled by ales on this fine crisp fall evening, I bring to you my thoughts on the decline & fall of our never-great, always mediocre society.

Ever hear the term "these are the good old days?" It's not just a bad Carly Simon lyric. To kids in their teens, it's absolutely true. I particularly look back in wistful fondness to the mid-1980's as the "best time of my life". Mainly because life then entailed absolutely no reponsibilities other than waking up, (and occasionally going to school) so that I could borrow my dad's car, stay out doing various stupid things until 3 am, then sneak back into the house through my bedroom window. I believe I did, at least in my own mind, rock and roll most of the nite, and party every other day.

It's not unique to me, though; every generation since James Dean cracked up his Porsche (and himself) feels the same way. But I do believe us Gen X & Yers may be the last to make that claim. We humans are on the downside of the bell curve of our time on this planet. Read this excerpt from Maclean's magazine and see if you agree:

Increasingly, young women are treating themselves and each other like pieces of meat. Why?

JUDITH TIMSON
She and her friends talk about it constantly. How to go out and have a great time. How to make their way through a sexual landscape that somehow has upped the ante in racy behaviour. The challenge, says Shauna (not her real name), a 20-year-old third-year psychology major at Queen's University in Kingston, Ont., is how not to feel like a misfit just because she thinks that the sexual titillation factor has gone too far. "One thing I have noticed more and more," she says of the student scene, "is that girls spend as much time, if not more, dancing provocatively with each other as they do with men. Many girls have made out with each other in front of a group of boys, or for their benefit after having been dared, or even without provocation. I was recently at a bar with a group of friends from high school," she continues, "and a group of girls came wearing short skirts and low-cut tops -- they had each written words on their breasts or upper thighs and were willingly showing this to the guys when asked. The club scene where this behaviour often happens is one that I avoid most often, and look for other ways to have fun -- and I am in a minority in that respect."

So what's the majority up to? New York journalist and author Ariel Levy thinks she has the answer in her compelling new book, Female Chauvinist Pigs: Women and the Rise of Raunch Culture. And that answer isn't pretty. Witty and provocative, painfully funny and just plain painful to read as it documents the rise of trashy, raunchy, really really bad female behaviour, Levy's newly published book may well provide the next "aha!" moment in how North American women see themselves. At the very least, it will make you wonder how, in the past decade, the culture has become infused with what Levy describes as porn or red-light aesthetics and values, which used to be confined to the tawdry outer limits of girlie mags, adult films and strip clubs but have now become part of everyday life. She's not the only one to perceive the intersection of porn and ordinary life. In Pornified, another newly released book, American Pamela Paul declares "pornography has not only gone mainstream -- it's barely edgy."

Levy, at 30, is no prude (after all, she admits she got a Brazilian bikini wax at least once in her 20s, hoping to capitalize on her "feminine wiles"). Nor is she a hardline ideologue of any persuasion with an agenda to shut down sexual expression. "I'm for more sexual liberation, not less," she told Maclean's in an interview, "and I don't think the answer is more chastity. I'm not here to outlaw pornography or impose a minimum-fabric requirement for high school girls." When she started work on Female Chauvinist Pigs, which grew out of an article Levy wrote for online Slate magazine, she intended to dispassionately document the new raunch phenomenon. "But as I got deeper into it," she says, "I began to think, 'This is ridiculous.' So I had to weigh in." What she concluded is that "raunchiness and liberation are not synonymous."


Merely an excerpt, and cold chills are running across my arms - I've been thinking this way for at least a decade, and now there's a chronicle of this stupefying phenomenon that started sometime around when wearing baseball caps backwards became "cool". I shudder to think where we'll be as a society when my unborn child is approaching his or her teen years. I'm no prude either, as anyone who knows me will attest, but where in the hell is personal pride these days? Probably engaging in a mock menage-a-trois with decency and common sense.

Of course I'm going to come across as an old fart for even entertaining the idea that life was better and simpler 20 years ago, but guess what -- it was.

It's official: I am old.

I've Sold Out!

That's right - I've decided to become a corporate shill in the time elapsed since my last post.


Actually, it was just last night that I discovered the wonderful, free, open-source browser Mozilla Firefox, available at http://www.mozilla.org . It is a huge improvement over the bloated corporateware that Microsoft's undeservingly ubiquitous Internet Exploder has become over the years. I've only been using it for one day, and I may never go back.

Points in its favour vs Internet Exploiter:

1. Faster loading time.
2. Uses less system resources.
   
3. Customizable themes - make it look the way you want it to.
4. More secure.
5. Built-in search engines including Google, Ebay, Amazon, Yahoo, and you can add more or remove ones you don't want.
6. Tabbed browsing keeps your desktop uncluttered.
7. Live RSS Bookmarks (haven't ried this one yet, but it sounds cool...)
8. Bill Gates doesn't get to add a dime to his money bin.
   

Download it at http://www.mozilla.org and see what you've been missing...

*Shudder* - I feel so dirty...

a thing of the past...?

It seems the current obstacle in our automobile-obsessed society is the price of fuel. Gasoline prices in Toronto were approaching $1.20 per litre this morning, but are expected to back off some as the day progresses, and the aftereffects of the devastation created by hurricane Katrina are more fully understood. Just like the stock market, of which the energy sector is a large part, speculation on what might happen is the major influence on what does happen.

Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but does it make any sense to you that a possibility of a shortage in fuel supplies causes the price of what is already in the tanks at gas stations to rise, often dramatically, and then fall, all in the same day? That'd be like charging a dollar for a newspaper in the morning, doubling that later in the day because there was a forest fire raging near a paper mill, and then lowering it again when the fire gets put out. I realize there are intricacies to the oil business which I don't fully understand, but how smart do you have to be? George W. Bush is in the oil business, and he calls it "oal"...

People in North America have still got no real reason to bitch, kvetch, piss and moan about the price of fuel when they refuse to give up their gas -sucking behemoth SUV's and pickup trucks with V-8 and even V-10 engines, and then drive alone to Costco to save a nickel on a 45 gallon drum of relish. We have an unreasonable sense of entitlement on this continent that will become our undoing. Just look at the crime in Toronto right now, or the general rise in terrrorism in the years before 9-11... We also do nothing about it. Canada is worse than the USA in this regard. In other countries, if you don't like what the government is doing, you stage a demonstration, or start a revolution. Here, we stage a Tim Horton's whine-fest (20 minute maximum at the table, please) and demonstrate only if it doesn't cut into our TV time.

Get used to some of the things we take for granted being under fire. this is only the beginning. All I can say is pay attention - and make mine one cream, one sugar.