Monday, June 09, 2008

Jessica Alba gives birth to full grown lady and names her Satania Rae

Congratulations are in order, we suppose, for Jessica Alba and her husband Monington J. Baggs on the birth of their first and only child, a rather large adult. The apparently 46-year old, one hundred twenty pound woman was delivered relatively intact to a shell-shocked Alba, who was expecting twins. (So much for expectations. I've been expecting a lottery win for several years now.)

The name came after the petulant newborn set fire to her hospital bed after borrowing a lighter from a nearby nurse's station. "She jist a-walked on ov'y and grabbed herself, it", said Dottie Holtber, a cleaning woman whom we stopped talking to the minute after this quote was taken. "Twas the strangest ol' thang I ever did see." She snuck that one by us. Damn her.

Just remember, the truth will never make the news, they'll show you some beautiful baby borrowed from a modeling agency with some sickeningly cute name like, oh, I don't know, Honor Marie or some such horseshit. The government will in all likelihood, succeed in covering this one up. If Jessica Alba really wants a baby, she'll buy one. Anyhow, who wants a white baby anymore - they're so last century.