Monday, June 09, 2008
Congratulations are in order, we suppose, for Jessica Alba and her husband Monington J. Baggs on the birth of their first and only child, a rather large adult. The apparently 46-year old, one hundred twenty pound woman was delivered relatively intact to a shell-shocked Alba, who was expecting twins. (So much for expectations. I've been expecting a lottery win for several years now.)
The name came after the petulant newborn set fire to her hospital bed after borrowing a lighter from a nearby nurse's station. "She jist a-walked on ov'y and grabbed herself, it", said Dottie Holtber, a cleaning woman whom we stopped talking to the minute after this quote was taken. "Twas the strangest ol' thang I ever did see." She snuck that one by us. Damn her.
Just remember, the truth will never make the news, they'll show you some beautiful baby borrowed from a modeling agency with some sickeningly cute name like, oh, I don't know, Honor Marie or some such horseshit. The government will in all likelihood, succeed in covering this one up. If Jessica Alba really wants a baby, she'll buy one. Anyhow, who wants a white baby anymore - they're so last century.