After seven-and-a-half long months in an Uzbeki prison with little to do but watch a 13" black & white Sylvania TV showing nothing but old Soviet propaganda films and horrendous Eastern European game shows, I'm back - released of my own recognisance, down thirty pounds and full of crossword clues, excellent curse words, and beet recipes I never knew existed...
..is what I would say had I been held in such a manner. Unfortunately and far less dramatically, I have no real excuse other than laziness and writer's block for not updating this Web Log, or, what we techies call - and try to follow me here if you can - a "blog". Instead of being honest, I'm trying to lure eyeballs and potential advertising dollars with a sordid, poorly-spun tale of unjustifiable incarceration, and for that I am truly, deeply sorry. This is me, hanging my head in shame right now.
With that off my chest, I can tell you that there will be all sorts of goodies to look forward to on this - say it with me - "blog" in the coming months. Oh man, just you wait 'til you see what we have cookin' - Famous guest columnists! Free music! Great summer recipes! A visit from Oprah! Ticket giveaways, monster trucks, an explanation of the "Twilight" phenomenon that actually makes sense, Spanish hookers, three-legged hamster racing, and the world's largest single piece of cobblestone from the Giant's Causeway! These are just a few of the things that I cannot procure and are are beyond my grasp.
Instead, it'll be more of the same stuff you, my loyal
Unless I can convince my Contributing Editors to come back, this is no empty threat. This is the 21st century equivalent of a gun to a kitten's head.
So let's keep everyone happy, including the metaphorical kitten, and get some new stuff up here pronto. That is all. You may return to your life, already in progress.